Saturday, August 25, 2012

Self Reflect

image: cartoonstock.com


Hello.

So I was reading my old posts this afternoon, and it suddenly dawned on me, that I have become a really different person than I was a year ago.

I can't exactly pin point the exact turning point of this change, but reading my old posts, which of course mirrors my old thoughts, my old habits, and my old ways, was kind of like an out-of-body experience where I can somehow view the 2 me's from a stranger's point of view, and judge myself objectively. I'm big on judging myself (and being hard on myself) so, I suppose this was something that I rather enjoyed doing.

I have come to notice that I have turned a 180 from who I was about a year ago. I am now the person that I have been fearing of becoming. I am now the exact person that I did not want to become a year ago.

I have become hostile, and, well, to simplify things, evil. I have unkind thoughts about people, I'm often angry, and all in all, just vile and unhappy. Petty matters bother me. I used to be able to brush off people copying what I have created or do. But now, it really gets under my skin to a point that I become really conceited. I scoff at people a lot too. I snicker at people attempting to use big words in a sentence drenched in grammatical errors. I snicker at people thinking that they are trying too hard to impress people. I have become this condescending person, filled with hatred and a wrong sense of superiority. I am suddenly always filled with negative emotions caused by the pettiest, unimportant things.

I used to be so observant of my surrounding, always at awe of what goes on around me. I never used to judge people. I used to always see (or at least be able to choose to see) the positive side in people.  I used to always want peace in the world. And that was all that mattered to me. Now I guess that's all down the drain.

Now I'm just a shallow, conceited, judgmental and hateful person. To come to such realization fills me with a great sense of loss and regret. I felt like along the way, for whatever reason, I lost the old me, and this horrible 2.0 version of me replaced that.

I'm sorry to whomever I have hurt along the way.

I guess it's time to rewind the clock, and revisit the old me. :)

I have always wished for someone to want to be like me. To be inspired by me. Well, I guess, I finally got my wish, and have that someone now. (funnily enough) It's myself.

I wanna be like the person I was a year ago.

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