Friday, March 23, 2012

Venting out

I just feel like I need to vent out tonight.

For some unknown reason, my thoughts have been in a dark, dark place lately. Well, especially tonight. I'm not even sure why. I've been back biting and cursing off just everyone within eye-sight, inside my head. I have bad thoughts about people. I make snide comments, and all in all just all scornful and cynical about absolutely EVERYTHING. Mostly in my head. I swear to god, I'm *this* close to bursting out. and the most frustrating part is I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY!!

And don't get me started on my thesis and how I write it. Have I told you how I have ridiculously high expectations of myself? one that I can never achieve? Well, I've bumped into a wall that is a writer's block. I find myself struggling to write even a sentence. Even paraphrasing a sentence had become a tedious demanding process for me. I am not happy at all with my style of writing.

And then I continuously ask myself, what remarkable things have I done in my life? What exceptional achievements have I achieved that I can look back on and be proud of myself? And I failed to find any answer to any of that. I feel like an insignificant nobody, and that makes me feel ashamed of myself, and makes me want to curl up in a foetal position in a corner of a dark room and just cry.

Basically, morale is low in my head. It's as though I unknowingly have Tom Riddle's diary in my possession, and am currently possessed by it or something. I'm normally generally a happy person and all zen, or at least I successfully try to be. I guess that dark part of me I kept locked in an underground dungeon finally managed to break out. It's been banging persistently on the dungeon door for a while now.. so it's not very surprising I guess. Man, I bet I can make a good money writing some goth-metal song in this state.

I hope it's some messed up hormone thing. and I really hope that I recover soon. Because I really do not like the person that I'm becoming.

I'll go for a jog tomorrow morning, and look at the beautiful forest that surrounds me and feel the morning breeze on my skin. If that doesn't help, then God have mercy on me, because I do not know what else will. Maybe THEN I can turn to food for solace. Well, that's something to look forward to atleast. (dark)lol.

I kind of feel bad for whining about unimportant things and feeling sorry for myself when there are people with problems more serious than my petty ones. But I really need to get this out of my system for once. with the hope that it will help.

Good night people. Sorry for being all dark and gloomy. :(

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