Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ashamed




I am very ashamed of myself lately.

I am ashamed that I whine about my difficulties with my thesis,
  When some doesn't even have the luxury of going to school.

I am ashamed that I complain about the weather, on my huge bed, in my air conditioned room,
 When some doesn't even have a shelter.

I am ashamed that I complain about how the food my help cooks me does not appeal to my appetite,
 When some doesn't even have anything to eat.

I am ashamed that worry about how I look and my figures,
  When some are starving, living in poverty and are literally minutes away from death.

I am ashamed that I whine on my twitter, via my smart phone about the petty problems that I have,
  When some are struggling to even survive on a daily basis.

I am ashamed that I can barely contain my needs to have pretty clothes, and feel like I don't have enough
  When some can't even afford to have one decent ones.

I am ashamed that I keep wanting new things, caving in to consumerism,
  When some are just happy that they have what they have just to survive the next day.

I am ashamed that I can gnaw on my sheltered, comfortable life, and dig to find things to complain about,
  When some who are much less fortunate than I am, are grateful for every little things they have.

I am ashamed that here I am, in front of my expensive laptop, in my comfortable room, my stomach filled to brim with luxurious food, still sometimes have that nagging feeling that I don't have enough, that I deserve more out of life. and that I want more,
  When some are fighting hard just to live,

When those still bravely fighting for their lives, even manage to try to make it better for other even less fortunate than they are.

When some are still fighting even when they're losing their battles to the many cruelties of the world.

When some have already lost.

I am ashamed that I have the luxury of being ashamed.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Random thoughts.

You know how in films there are always the antagonist and protagonist? You know, the good guy and the bad guy? And the line between good and evil is very definite and obvious, that you can't possibly miss it?

Well, I think it's very different in real life. For one, absolutely nobody is either antagonist or protagonist. Everybody has a bit of both in them. For example, you could be doing a random good deed, and then feeling so proud about that deed right after,or having really bad thoughts about people. Or you could be yelling at someone, and helping them straight after that. Or you could just be so idle, that you're just somewhere in between it all. There's good and evil in everyone. No one is just pure evil, or vice versa.

The line between good and evil in real life is not as apparent as it is in movies either. You probably can see it with a pure mind, but often, in my case at least, it is fogged with things, and thus clouding my judgements. So, all you can do is hope for the best, and repent and learn from it, if you judged wrong.

I have been dealing with a lot of negativity within me these past few days. You do not want to be inside my head right now. It's dark and dingy, and I'm often at war with myself. Self criticism and disappointment is always the theme of the day. It is very self destructive, I know.

But, if I think about it, it's perhaps just that evil part in me. And if I have an evil part, then I must have some good in me right? So, I will try to cling on to that last bit of good in me, and defeat this looming darkness that seem to be conquering my mind these past few days. It will be so much easier to expecto patronum it, if it were a bad case of dementor attack, unfortunately, I do not own a wand, nor is this a scenario from Harry Potter.

Since to err is human, I suppose it IS ok to slip sometimes, we are after all just human, and it doesn't necessarily make us a bad person. All that matters is whether you get up, dust yourself off, smile and start walking again, learning not to slip from the same mistake.

Perhaps, the negativity in me is not the presence of darkness, but rather, the absence of light.

So may God have mercy on us, and help us all in our paths. Amin.

p.s: These images are hilarious.

source: google



Friday, March 23, 2012

Venting out



I just feel like I need to vent out tonight.

For some unknown reason, my thoughts have been in a dark, dark place lately. Well, especially tonight. I'm not even sure why. I've been back biting and cursing off just everyone within eye-sight, inside my head. I have bad thoughts about people. I make snide comments, and all in all just all scornful and cynical about absolutely EVERYTHING. Mostly in my head. I swear to god, I'm *this* close to bursting out. and the most frustrating part is I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY!!

And don't get me started on my thesis and how I write it. Have I told you how I have ridiculously high expectations of myself? one that I can never achieve? Well, I've bumped into a wall that is a writer's block. I find myself struggling to write even a sentence. Even paraphrasing a sentence had become a tedious demanding process for me. I am not happy at all with my style of writing.

And then I continuously ask myself, what remarkable things have I done in my life? What exceptional achievements have I achieved that I can look back on and be proud of myself? And I failed to find any answer to any of that. I feel like an insignificant nobody, and that makes me feel ashamed of myself, and makes me want to curl up in a foetal position in a corner of a dark room and just cry.

Basically, morale is low in my head. It's as though I unknowingly have Tom Riddle's diary in my possession, and am currently possessed by it or something. I'm normally generally a happy person and all zen, or at least I successfully try to be. I guess that dark part of me I kept locked in an underground dungeon finally managed to break out. It's been banging persistently on the dungeon door for a while now.. so it's not very surprising I guess. Man, I bet I can make a good money writing some goth-metal song in this state.

I hope it's some messed up hormone thing. and I really hope that I recover soon. Because I really do not like the person that I'm becoming.

I'll go for a jog tomorrow morning, and look at the beautiful forest that surrounds me and feel the morning breeze on my skin. If that doesn't help, then God have mercy on me, because I do not know what else will. Maybe THEN I can turn to food for solace. Well, that's something to look forward to atleast. (dark)lol.

I kind of feel bad for whining about unimportant things and feeling sorry for myself when there are people with problems more serious than my petty ones. But I really need to get this out of my system for once. with the hope that it will help.

Good night people. Sorry for being all dark and gloomy. :(

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Estelle.

There was a homestay programme in Indonesian School Kuala Lumpur, where my mom works, and about 20 Australian students from Victoria came to live with us, to learn Indonesian(and Malaysian) culture, and to learn Indonesian language. We had an Australian girl staying with us. As I'm writing this, she's probably on her way to her terminal to catch her flight home.

I'm very upset that she's leaving, and I really don't want to annoy people on twitter/facebook by being all sad and depressed, and always talking about her, so here I am, venting out.

It really had been a pleasure having her around. She's a lovely young lady, very gentle, caring, and polite. We bonded over how intense we are, and how easily stressed out we are about a lot of things. I guess our mutual psychopath ways brought us together.

10 days together is just too short. I wish I had more time to spend with her. I wish I could have her company for a bit longer. Now I have nothing to look forward to in the evenings.

We cried our hearts out during the farewell party, so we promised ourselves that we won't cry when she had to actually leave. So, when I sent her to Indonesian School, before she leaves to the airport with her group, I managed to hold my emotions in. Managed to crack some jokes, even. But the moment the bus she was riding started moving, my tear duct exploded, and all hell broke loose.

Right now, I'm very devastated that she had to leave. And I really don't know what to do with myself, so here I am, venting out.

I miss her so so much already. I miss talking to her. I miss picking her up from school. I miss watching horror movies with her. I miss listening to her complain about her day, and people staring at her. I miss sitting down on my kitchen island, reading the paper while she eats her breakfast before going to school.

I miss everything.

I miss my sister.

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