Wednesday, January 18, 2012

How My Mind Works

I think. A lot. No. It doesn't mean that I'm intelligent. It just means that well, I think a lot.

How things are the way they are, why they are the way they are, constantly coming up with unproven theories and questions, and followed by another unanswered questions. But mostly, I spend most of my thinking time planning and worrying things will not follow through.

For example, like the case with my thesis, I can tell you now that I have managed to outdone myself in selecting the most complicated, and complex topic I can ever find. And now, I spend most of my time (other than researching) worrying how the hell will I ever be able to pull this off. But unlike most times I do that, this time I don't regret anything. Well, that's one good thing I suppose, right?

Now, when this kinds of things happen, what I do is think about the whole thing. The definition of my research, whether it's been done before, how to do it, the research problem, the methodology, and so on and so forth. So my head is kind of like a warzone right now. I can't even think straight.

Another problem with me is that I'm the biggest critique of myself. I don't do self soothing. I criticise myself. My standards are so high, that it is hard for me to achieve. I need to do something brilliantly, or I'll be devastated. There's really no middle ground for me. Go hard or go home. So you can see how I'm often disappointed in myself. Even more so, when right now I'm still struggling to find a way in my research, to find that light at the end of the tunnel, instead of having a smooth sailing all through my researching process.

My other half, on the other hand, is a complete opposite. He does not worry. at all. And when I go all apeshit crazy on him freaking out about my thesis he just quietly told me "the way to deal with anything complicated, is to take it one step at a time and see how it goes from there"

and it made sense!

He's not always right, but this time, he is. It doesn't make sense to just see the whole, GINORMOUS picture, and freaking out about how it can't be done, because I have no knowledge on the subject. I mean that is the whole point of a research right? To find out things you don't know.

So yeah, I'm still working on that. Shedding my inner psychotic critique and be all zen.

Wish me luck!

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