Monday, November 22, 2010 u describe your fashion

i would say that I'm a minimalist. I like straight lines, no ruffles or weird stuff on my clothes. i like earth tones, black, white, grey, and navy, i do not like patterns, most of my clothes are plain. Also, i like mixing feminine style with masculine ones. like girly heels with biker leather jacket, combat boots with frilly chiffon dress, and so on. However, i rarely care about what i put on. When im feeling REALLY lazy, and can't be assed about what to wear, I go out in my orange batik pants, worn out oversized T-shirt, blazer(or any kind of jacket closest to my reach), and orange crocs shoes or flip flops.

Ask me anything

Monday, November 8, 2010

Live life.

Salam all.

How is everyone doing?

I’m sorry for my loooong absence from this blog, and I really really really appreciate those who come here to read this blog.

I have been under a lot of stress lately. Maybe it is just my hormones going beserk, but I often feel down these days.

So a quick update on the skit and skew project. I regret to say that I haven’t made any start on either projects. I attempted to buy a “Sewing for Idiots” book but it was slightly more pricey than I would have liked it to be, and so I kept putting it off, and did not buy it until today. *hangs head low in shame* I have hinted mum to buy me a sewing machine for my birthday. So lets hope that I get it. :D

I have some ideas cooking up in my head for my Skit project, and that was as far as I went as far as Skit project is concerned. My Skit project will be of a thriller genre. It kind of requires a lot of research, but I will try my best to not chicken out of it. Will update you about the projects again, hopefully soon.

Now, I would like to write about changes, and the choices we make as a human being, and the consequences that it leads to.

You know how I am always unhappy, and stressed out about work? (of course you do, 50% of my blog entries are about my woes and agony concerning my work. Sorry. :s)

I am always complaining about work, and yet I have done nothing to change it. I tried fooling myself every morning before going to work, that I LOVE this job, that it is not so bad, but everytime I do so, I would end up at the same spot I always do, and that is in front of my PC, wanting to cry at work. Yes, it is that bad.

I know that complaining about it will not change the wrecked state that I am in. So, I did something to end the woes once and for all.

I resigned.

It took a lot of courage and reassurance for me to do so. I mean it is a big change and it really is scary, what’s with people’s expectations and people depending on us. It is worrying to think that I’m taking the exit off this career highway that might have been good for me, and that this decision is a bad call for me.

But I believe that I am still young, I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I should explore all the possibilities of the choices that will make me feel happy and contented, instead of being stuck here.

Of course the sudden loss of steady income worries me, but, letting my paychecks determine my happiness is not the road I want to go down on. But still, I am (ashamed to admit that I’m) attached to it and it really is a scary thing to let go of. But I have let it go anyway, and I’m starting to feel glad that I did. :)

Life, it all comes down to what makes you happy and feel like you have served a purpose in life. If you like what you do, and it makes you happy, and it feeds your soul, then by all means, do it. If you don’t then don’t do it. Life is for living anyways.

If we’re too stressed to even admire the beauty around us, to feel the sweet smelling cool breeze after it just rained, to rejoice love and laughter, then maybe we need to reassess what we are living for.

This will be some sort of an experiment I will conduct upon my life.

Problem : Unhappy with life/work
Solution : changing the way I live to diminish the cause of unhappiness
Hypothesis : Changing the ways of life will make me happier
Variable : Career choice, way of living.
Result : ___________

I will update again with the turnout of this event maybe in 3 month’s time, and really, I REALLY hope that I can say “Thank God I quit my job”.

p.s: does anyone know a career where I can travel and write and make a living out of it? If you do, let me know. Hehehe.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Change: Project Skew and Project Skit.

I have been feeling down in the dumps lately, for some unknown reasons, i feel like i haven't been living my live. i feel like i have been just drifting to wherever the wind and the current takes me. just floating in the sea of uncertainty and possibility without me taking charge of it.

but then, I started reading my past blog entries, about my manic preparation to get a job, application to universities, IELTS test, about my woes of being in a long distance relationship, and such (i'm a whiner, my blog entries consists mostly whines. I'd like some cheese to go with that whine please. ha-ha. ok. dah la pinjam YM punya emoticon, pastu tak kelakar.-_-).

And then i realize, hey, I have achieved what i worked hard for.

I graduated, with a satisfactory CGPAs.

I have got a job.

I got a satisfactory IELTS result.

I secured a spot at several universities in the UK.

and I am still in a loving relationship.

*chastising self for being too hard on self*

I mean, hey, I have got tonnes of reason to not sulk and be grateful yes? I have got reasons to give myself a pat on the back yes? *pats self on back*. takdelah clueless sangat.

According to this poster my dear wise friend posted on facebook, being happy is easy. If you're not happy, just change what you're doing. I dont know why i have been sulking and moping around feeling like such an under achiever, but THAT is gonna change.

Ok, so I have been saying that i haven't been achieving anough, I have been saying that I want to learn something, that I want to achieve something, and I like fashion and clothes.(and shoes. hehe)

So, why not learn how to sew?? :D I know now, that i can be whatever i want to be. I just have to put my mind into it(now, THAT would be the hardest part about this challenge, but I'm determined to make this one work).

Let's call this project the "Skewing project". It means to distort the monotony of my life now, and to break free from the dullness that frustrates me so much, and push that barrier harder, to distort it further. hence the name of the project "Skew". (padahal dapat from memendekkan "ska sewing" jadi skewing. pastu nak go all konon philosophical. -_-. sorry, dah terbiasa mcm ni, because all the architectural project concept presentation I did. I had to explain why my concept is "connection" and had to turn it into an explanation of how "connection" means so many levels integrations. integration between man and nature, man and man, building and nature, building and surrounding, and such and such. sudahnya concept tinggal ciput je, and kena stretch my explanation a bit, supaya the design fulfill my concept. haha. eh, macam dah lari topic je?)

So anyway, that's one project I want to do.

lagi satu, I LOVE writing. so i might want to get into that also. let's challenge myself to write a novel. Let's call it the "Skit project". (ok so i got the name from ska+write minus the w,r and e. I can go on and explain how metaphorically sebenarnya it represents how my life is a parody and i want to break free from that. tapi i wont go into details, as i wont get my point across anyway, and will only come across as a douche)

So I will get one of those count dount app thingy on my blog, and post my progress here and such. (so that i can look back and say "hah. i got this far/didn't get anywhere at all")

So, this post marks the launch of Project Skew and Project Skit.

Let's look back after a year. Good luck ska.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

nauseating love note for dearest other half.

The other day, i went to see "Going the Distance" with dearest other half.

It was a chick flick, but surprisingly not sappy, quite witty, and all in all, was a good movie.

So anyway, it was a story about 2 people in a long-distance relationship. One in San Fransisco (kot), and one in LA (kot).

I can so relate to this because i have been in a long distance relationship with dearest other half (DOH for short)for over a year now. I have been having a relationship with his voice, facebook, ym and bbm, without actually being able to see each other for over a year.

My relationship with DOH is even worse because well, one, we are not even in the same continent, and two, the KL - Manchester time difference is 8 hours, which means, when my day ends, his starts, when his day ends, mine starts. We have minimum time for interaction, if not none at all.


I am so lucky to have Adam as my DOH. He is still somehow calling me 3 times a day. before he sleeps (thats about when i go to work), when he wakes up (that grey area after i get off work and before i get busy with house chores), and before i go to bed. and he calls me to just hear me complain about work, to just tell me what he had for lunch, and ask me what i am having for dinner, what he had to do in class, what i had to do at the office. just shallow mindless crap. But those exact mindless crap is exactly what we want to hear from each other anyway. I dont know about him but, for me, those craps makes me feel as though im a part of his life, even when he is so far away. and in away, it is those mindless crap that glue our relationship together. And, anyway we are wayyy over "you hang up first, no you hang up first, nooo, you hang up first, i love you, no, i love you more, no i love you more more. no, i love you infinity"*barf* phase anyway. hehehe.

and i am so grateful for those phone calls.

another issue with long distance relationship, is of course trust issues. There obviously will be a "WTF??!!" moment every once in a while in a long distance relationship, because well, you will find out through his facebook, (hacked)email, or twitter mentions(my DOH buta twitter, so that doesnt apply to me, thank god, one less social network page for me to stalk) before he had the chance to tell you to explain the un-wtf-ness of the situation you wtf-ed about.I had one of those, concerning one other girl. But i trust my DOH, so i trust what he told me, and his explanation. (and also because i confronted the girl about it. dear Girl, if you are reading this, I'm so sorry for the blow up. :( )

and i am sooo grateful for the trust we have between us.(well, kalau bukan on my part pun, trust on HIS part -_-)

there was a line in the movie that kind of made me think.

"We see each other once in 3 months. that's not a relationship!"
(or something like that tak berapa ingat)

screw that. I see DOH once a year, and it is still a relationship. A strong one.

Dearest other half,

You are wonderful.
You are sweet.
You are understanding.
You are kind.
You are smart
You are funny.
You are lovely.
You are caring.
You are loyal.
You are driven.
You are patient.
You are compassionate.
You are honest.
You are respectful.
You are humble.
You are generous and giving.
You are never arrogant.
You are never judgmental.
You are never hypocritical.
You are good looking.
You are the opposite pole of my magnet.
You have one of the most beautiful soul.

You would do anything for me. You would be my listener. You would be my encyclopedia. You would be my shoulder to cry on.

You are the one i want to be with.

I love you. :)

p.s: you are sometimes insensitive, but i love you anyway. hehehe.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Malaysia - Indonesia (again)

image:, syahmiyummy

First and foremost I would like to state firmly, that this is not a post about bashing either countries, people who stumbles across this post hoping that, will be disappointed, but I beg of you to read along. This might just change your perceptions.

I am Indonesian by nationality, I live in Malaysia, but proud as I am of where I come from, I am just a human being, and I refuse to be determined by my nationality or where I live in, for I believe humanity goes way beyond geographical boundaries.

I have had my say about these issues before, and I will try to voice my views as long as this issues still go on, because that is the least I can do. To say something, and hope to God, that it will bring some good.

It saddens me tremendously that these issues don't seem to reach its end. It saddens me that the fight is fought without seeing (or refusing to see) that there, in fact is, no issues at all, and mostly, it saddens me that people are so quick to jump on the "I wanna hate each other, I don't quite see the reason, but dammit! I hate them!" wagon.

Now, I would like to state my opinion on the "stealing and claiming" one's culture issues(because it seem to be one of the leading cause of the feud), in the hope of shedding some light that no such issue exists. Before Malaysia and Indonesia were formed(countries are after all just a determination of boundary lines of what belongs to which) the cultures have already been around. And seeing that both countries are located near each other, isn't it just logical that both shares some similar cultures? Some old folks songs, traditional games and costumes, and language. And seeing that way back then people travel back and forth both countries to berdagang, it is only logical that both countries swap some cultures with each other. I mean, isn't that how Islam traveled too? The idea of a country claiming a culture is therefore prespostorous, and almost childish. Oh, and if its about the Kecak dance, the faults lie on a certain tv channel, and they have apologized on the matter.

And about some people treating other people from other nationalities badly, please, those characteristics do not reflect the countries I love so much. Indonesians are one of the politest people I know. They smile and greet you, even if you are a stranger, they are always keen to offer a helping hand should you need one. The same can be said about Malaysians. Malaysians, coming from a culturally diverse country that it is, are the most tolerant people I know. They are friendly, and these beatings of TKI, unfortunate as they were, does not reflect Malaysians. I am an Indonesian, and I have been treated perfectly well here. My siblings are Malaysians, and they were treated perfectly well the last time they were in Indonesia. They even made some new Indonesian friends. Now, if we were to start treating each other badly, cursing each other, ridiculing each other, wouldn't that just tarnish the name of our beloved countries? wouldn't that call for wrong perceptions by other people about the real us? Why should we let the actions of a certain party cloud our views of Indonesia/Malaysia? Why should we listen to people telling us to hate each other? Isn't the world already a messed up place without prejudices from our parts? Isn't racism a crime of humanity?

NOBODY is determined by one's nationality or race.

My Malaysian readers, a certain party may have clouded and distorted the views of Indonesians about Malaysians, and somehow caused them to react negatively to you, but trust me on this, those are not how the real Indonesians are. My Indonesian readers, a certain people in Malaysia may have treated you badly, but I promise you, that does not reflect the real Malaysians.

I do not know what is the real issue behind this propaganda masked in the form of "nationalism". But I still stand my grounds. I still refuse to be prejudiced. I still refuse to generalize. I still refuse to be racist. And I still believe that both Indonesians and Malaysians are way better than what is portrayed of them these days.

Hatred really is a strong emotion, it will cloud your perspectives, and fogs your views and stops you from seeing the real picture.

if you have to hate, hate on all the right reasons.

Hate prejudices.
Hate racism.
Hate hatred.
Hate on anything that may divide us.

We have all seen what a war can do to a nation. Now, is that really what we wish for ourselves? For our loved ones? For our countries?

I wish none of that.
I wish peace.

How about you?

image: Katey Puley, Flickr.

Friday, August 27, 2010



ok, true to its title, this entry would be somewhat sensitive to some. This is just my opinion, and it is not intended to spark hatred whatsoever. And if you have a clean, mature opinion, please share it with me, for my opinion could be severely mistaken.

I live in Malaysia. A multi-cultural country. A country so rich with cultures and diverse ethnicity, a lovely, peaceful country to live in.

However, it is rather filled with taboo subjects, especially, subjects concerning religions. This is I suspect, because being a culturally diverse country,there are so many religions in Malaysia, people just stay out of the way of other's religion topics, so as to not "step on anyone's toe". and so, the topic religion is rarely spoken of.

It is a hush-hush topic, and so, because it is a hush hush topic, and it is rarely spoken of, of course, people start to make assumptions about other religions, and taking everything just based on hear-say, and sometime, the hear-say is not from a valid source. just words passed mouth to mouth. and of course, with no valid source, words can easily be twisted and distorted, to be so far away from the truth.

and this will cause misunderstanding.

For example, the crucifix form. the cross. My muslim readers, have you ever been in Sinma, for example, and looking through necklaces, and found a necklace with a cross-shaped pendant, and finding yourself shying away from it? Like you're not supposed to come in contact with it at all?

The question is why do you do so? True, it is a mark of Christianity. but, so what? what is so bad about that?

We have our faith, they have theirs. We know what we believe in, they do too. and if we do not believe in crosses, why do we fear it so? if we believe, and have faith that it is just a shape representing what Christians believe in, why do we shy away from it?

Same goes with churches. Why are we so afraid to cross the threshold of a church? Isn't it just a building, determined by walls and boundary lines? does it not stand on God's earth? Is it not believed to be rumah Tuhan? the House of God? if the argument is "its THEIR God's house" then, wouldn't that mean that YOU're the one believing that there are Other except Him? Nauzubillah.

I do believe the in existence of God, and that He is the only one, and if He is the only one, wouldn't that mean that we are supposed to believe that there is none, but Him?

and if there is none but Him, why do the concept of religion even exist? because if everybody believes in God. and there is none but Him. wouldn't that mean we believe in the same thing? just in a different way? and wouldn't that mean that the concept of religion is just some sort of labeling?

Have you ever found yourself labeling others as "kafir"? Have you ever stopped to think, what the word means? or did you just label them so because they were not born in a Muslim family, and taught his/her whole life the muslim ways? How vain are we to even think that way?

From Wikipedia

Kafir (Arabic: كافر kāfir; plural كفّار kuffār) is a term used in a Islamic doctrinal sense, usually translated as "unbeliever" or "disbeliever", or sometimes "infidel". The term refers to a person who rejects God or who hides, denies, or "covers" the truth.

The non-believer, disbeliever, a person who denies the truth. Lets focus on the word "denies the truth". To be able to deny the truth, one must KNOW the truth first. In this sense, actually, those who do not know the truth, CAN'T be Kafirs. because how can you deny something you do not know? so, who do you think are the Kafirs? yeah, that's right. it's those who know the truth, but deny it. aint that right?

Now, how do WE even know that One is denying the truth, to be able to lable someone kafir? what? because they're, as we always soooo conveniently put it, melakukan Maksiat? But lets step back and reasess ourselves. What if, WHAT IF, by melakukan maksiat, they feel the remorse, they feel bad and they repent?

now, compare THAT to us, acting so all mighty, going around judging people. feeling smug, and pious, and that we cant do no wrong. Isn't that Riya'? isn't that Takabbur?

We can't judge people, and you know why? because we weren't made to be able to judge people. one is because, we are not perfect, and that we live by the mercy of God. our actions are by the mercy of God. ALL OF IT. if we did good, its by the mercy of God, so how can we be all smug about it? its not even our own doing.

Two is because we weren't made to judge. ok, the technical term would be, we weren't programmed(to really understand this, go here)that way. we are not just. we are biased. we have preferences. we have likes and dislikes. we do not know the truth, other than those that we are made aware of. we do not know what's inside one's head, or hearts.

So in the spirit of One Malaysia (I'm not even Malaysian, but i'm definitely Pro-Unity) let's leave the judging to the Almighty, and why dont we try to understand and tolerate each other? because after all, wasnt it stated so?

"And We have revealed to you, [O Muhammad], the Book in truth, confirming that which preceded it of the Scripture and as a criterion over it. So judge between them by what Allah has revealed and do not follow their inclinations away from what has come to you of the truth. To each of you We prescribed a law and a method. Had Allah willed, He would have made you one nation [united in religion], but [He intended] to test you in what He has given you; so race to [all that is] good. To Allah is your return all together, and He will [then] inform you concerning that over which you used to differ." [Qur'an 5:48]



Tuesday, August 17, 2010

wants and needs.

I'm Sati Sekar.

I'm 24.

And i still don't know what i want to do in life.

I studied architecture for 4 years, and have been a junior architect for almost a year now, and i have the skills needed to work in the field. But that is not what I want to do in life. and i'm quite certain of it.

I do not want to spend my life doing things that do not make me contented and happy inside. However, i am aware that i need to make a living.

I want to be able to spend my time with my loved ones. I want to live my life. not just to exist.

I want to wake up in the morning(not feeling like P.Diddy hahaha.) without that dreading feeling that, oh man, i have to leave my happy place to go somewhere i dont want to be, to be able to make a living, to be able to just exist.

because, really, what is the point?

I want to wake up in the morning, feeling happy, and contented.

I want to be able to make a lot out of myself, instead of being drained for the things I dont want to be doing.

I want to read, I want to learn a lot, I want to make my own clothes, I want to grow my own vegetables, make my own butter, hatch my own eggs, bake my own cookies and bread, make my own jam and marmite, make my own syrup.

I want to spend the lovely afternoon sitting by the window, reading books, the wind blowing softly, the sun-ray coming through the window.

I want to be able to offer my kids warm lemonade when its raining cats and dogs outside of the window.

I want to be able to help them with their homework, and cuddle with them and watch horror movie once they're done.

I want to spontaneously dance the chicken dance with them for no reasons at all.

I want to greet my husband with a smile on my face, and hot home-made dinner, and being able to listen about his day. Instead of flopping down on the sofa with him, both exhausted from work, barely having any energy left, to even talk.

I want to tuck my kids in, and read them bed time stories, and once they're grown up, i want to be a part of their lives. I want to be someone they know will always be there for them.

I want to detach myself from that huge clinging needs of money. and just be happy and LIVE, not just exist.

I think being able to do all those things would be so wonderful.

I'm Sati Sekar.

I'm 24.

I want to do all those things i have said above.

I need to start figuring out how to be able to do that.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Maysaa, black, white and in between

so, during the holiday, i had a little bit fun shooting. i have always known it, but really seeing it infront of me, really made me see that I really love black. I rarely do colors. For me, i like my clothes the way i like my buidling, minimalist, hence the color black,grey,white, maybe navy and dark purple. (and a little bit of color here and there to stop my friends from nagging, and for me to stop feeling like darth vader. heeehee). so here it is, the outcome of the photo shoot. :)
p.s: and yes, the grey dress, black maxi skirt, and the scarf is from Maysaa.(im kind of obsessed with it. very sleek. kind of like the modest-ified Calvin Klein) :)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

that feeling.

I'm sorry blog readers(if there's any haha) I'm affraid I'm becoming increasingly self-centered that this blog only serves as some sort of self reminder of things God made me see/feel at a certain time. hehe. maybe someday I'll write something amusing again. you can go here for interesting pieces to read. (warning: lots of words, little to no pictures, requires thinking). ok.

So, the other day, Alhamdulillah, God made me feel soo at peace, and MasyaAllah, it is so wonderful, and beautiful. I don't quite know how to put it in writing, but if i were in front of you i would probably make silly sounds like "haaaaaaaaaa" and "weeeee" to describe it(yes, trust ska to ruin it)(-_-"). I've never been high before, but i think, MAYBE, it is some kind of a high, only more, more beautiful and peaceful. (haih. susahnya nak explain. hahaha)

So, anyway, the feeling lasted for a day or two, and then, it is gone again. and of course, being me, i found something to blame it on other than myself.

and i blamed it on kelalaian(negligence).

I've been so caught up, and upset over this trait of human who is always so lalai (negligent), that makes me always end up somewhere not close to God.(and hence, far away from that peaceful feeling i had trouble explaining about just now).

But today, Alhamdulillah, God had granted me this understanding that, kelalaian is not only a trait in human being. it is also a small,small, dugaan(trial) in life. and just like other trials, we have to fight it.

And of-course being away from God, i've sinned more than when i am close to Him, and being me, again, I am all caught up and upset over it, but today, AGAIN, God made me see something (on Facebook, His guidance is everywhere) that soothed me. He is the MOST MERCIFUL.

He said: "My Lord! Verily, I have wronged myself, so forgive me." Then
He forgave him. Verily, He is the Oft-Forgiving, the Most Merciful..16:surah al-qasas.

and so here i am, a humble slave, counting her blessings, and asking for His forgiveness, hoping to someday, be so close to Him, that negligence is not in her TOP list of trial.( though come to think of it, I should be grateful that negligence is the one at the top of my list of trial, not something worse. *scolds self for being ungrateful*. but then again God is the most merciful, and He will not try us with something we can not handle.)

chicken soup for the soul

something that touched me deep down, and made me go "aaaaaaahhhh" and made me weep a bit

This is the lyric with English translation.(hanks Hajar :) )

Fi Laylatin Minal Layal Lastu Adri Ma'tarani
Zulmatun Taghrumuni Ya Rab
Al-Ardhu Daqat Wassama' Wa Qalbi Ma Arafud Dhiya'
Wad Dam'u Bata Yabki Ya Ilahi

Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi
Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi

Asaytu Waz Zanbu Kabir
Wa Inni Fi Huzni Asir
Muqayyadun Bizanbi Ya Rab
Fahal Yastahiqqu Ya Ilahil Afwa Mujrima
Muqirrun Biz Zunubi Ya Ilahi

Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi
Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi

Antal Lazi Khalaqtani Rahimtani Wa Razaqtani
Dauman Ya Rabbi Qad Kunta Ma'i
Lakinnani Naaitu Anka Nasitu Ma Qad Kana Lak
Wa Sirtu Fi Toriqi Ya Ilahi

Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi
Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi

Wal Yaum Ya Rabbi A'ud Min Zulmatin Khalfal Hudud
Fal Qalbu Munkasirun Wa Torofi Hair
Wa Anal Ghariqu Fala Ara Illa Siwaka Liy Munqiza
La Manja Wa La Manja Illa Anta

Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi
Ya Ilahi Ya Ilahi


In one of the nights,
I dont know what happened to me,
Darkness Covered me O my Rabb,
The earth has been narrowed, and (also) the sky,
and my heart haven't know the light,
And tears stayed, crying O my Ilaah

Ya Ilahi 3x

I committed a big sin,
And I am inside my sadness a captive,
Chained by the sin O my Rabb,
Does the sinner deserve forgiveness, O my Ilaah

I admit my sins, O my Ilaah
You are the one who created, mercied and blessed me,
All the time you were with me, O my Rabb.
However, I went far away from you and forgot your rights,
And waked on my way, O my Ilaah.

And today O my Rabb,
I come back from a darkness beyond the boundaries,
The heart is broken and my sight is confused.
Ang I am sinking and see no one but you to rescue me,
No help except you,
O my Ilaah, O my Ilaah

Lyrics compiled by Wewr.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


Salam all,

All this while, when people ask me why I decided to cover up my answer was just “because of God”, because that REALLY was the only reason I did it in the first place.

God loves His servants, more than we can ever imagine. He is the most merciful. He always puts me back on His track. Always. No matter how many times i defy Him, when i seek, He always lets me see, Alhamdulillah, and how can I keep on turning my back on His Hidayah?

I love God, and by finally covering up, I am just doing what was asked of me. It was also a mark of me surrendering all of me to God. That’s it. I never questioned, or wondered why I was asked to do so, nor have I actually reallygrasped the beauty of the concept of covering up, or modesty.

Until recently.

One of the Hijabis I look up to, Hana Tajima Simpson(this is going to get my blog hits from google by those looking for Hana’s blog again. Haih. -_-. ) says this in her interview with The Independent.

"Islam has a really amazing definition of beauty, Hijab is about how a woman can be beautiful without placing overt emphasis on her sexuality"

And finally something clicked, light bulb and all.

All this while, I consider myself “sacrificing” my beauty for my love of God, and I have been thinking it all wrong, Astaghfirullah, may God forgive my ignorance.

Covering up is actually really beautiful. The idea of making your beauty exclusive, and that no stranger can see your beauty, makes you priceless, and as my wise close friend, Hajare puts it, it protects us from men treating us like a sex-object, ecstatic pleasure, image driven 'girls' oogling us freely. We can actually go through crowds practically invisible. We need not worry about getting groped, whistled at like a dog, or stared at.

And it is not just the idea of covering up. It is the whole concept of modesty. Of how you should lower your glances, of how you don’t wear something that will draw attention towards yourself and how you look. I just really love the idea of how you can walk the street practically invisible. And by lowering my glance I can think that no one is looking at me, or can see me at all, for that matter. You know, like when you were in a hide and seek game when you were little, if you cant see them, they cant see you.

I’m really not good with words, so I don’t really know how to put it, but I find the whole idea of walking in public unnoticed really beautiful. You don’t have to care about other’s perception towards you, and right there and then, its just you, your thoughts and God. Nobody to impress, no material things to worry about. Just contentment and peaceful bliss.

Yesterday, the wonderful Hajare Aman Shah of, came up with a wonderfully beautiful video project for the HRC (Hijjab Roundup Campaign), and it strengthened further my feelings towards the beauty of modesty.

May God bless your efforts Hajare.

So, here it is ladies and gentlemen, the much spoken of video, of the HRC campaign. Hopefully, it touches you as much as it touched me. InsyaAllah.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010



I'm a muslimmah. i have been one since i was 9, however, only have been a real Muslimmah since a year ago. Alhamdulillah, Allah had given me hidayah, and made me see all the hidayah he had given me, which, sadly, i couldn't see before. And from that moment on, i decided to devote myself to Him.

However, as a human being, i slip. a lot. On many occasions, i fail to become a good servant of God as i have always intend myself to be. and on those occasions, and please do not take this as me bragging, i feel very disturbed, like everything was going wrong. and sadly, I ignore that nagging feelings.

However, God loves His servants, more than we can ever imagine. He is the most merciful. He always puts me back on His track. Always. No matter how many times i defy Him, when i seek, He always lets me see, Alhamdulillah. and, when i see the truth, MasyaAllah, it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. like something had been lifted off your shoulders, and all you can feel is just bliss, and contentment.

This world has a way of making you see only material goodness, and making you forget that your priority is serving God. Always fight back, and seek for the truth. Seek, and you shall find. InsyaAllah.

Take it from me, it is never too late to repent. God loves those who always cleanse themselves and repent, the most.

Dont believe me? try it for yourself, just cleanse yourself by taking a wudu', and sincerely, ask Him to show you the true way, and just kind of surrender yourself to Him. InsyaAllah, He will let you feel it. and believe me, everything in the world that you sacrifice for that will be worth it. Because, MasyaAllah, nothing can ever make you any happier than the feeling of being close to Allah. :)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010



Today i will talk about a topic so close to everyone's hearts; plagiarism.

Everyone must have done it AT LEAST once in their lives. Be it copy pasting an assignment, not quoting other people's quotes when using it, copying someone else's concept masa design, and banyak lagi. I only did yang the first one tu a couple of times sebab terpaksa, and will never do so again, because, i know better now, since i have experienced it first hand. banyak kali. -_-

I have had people copying my blog, and putting it on theirs and that said people claimed it to be hers(made her put the post down), i have had people copying my design concept word by word, because i left my 2 page design concept essay lying around in the studio, i have had people copying my quotes, i even had people copying my info on facebook. if you think THAT is weird, think again. Recently, i came across someone on facebook who copied my facebook statusses.

And you know what? and im sure many wont agree to this, it hurt, because no matter how unimportant it is, it is mine.

It hurt because i know, the people who copied my idea/writing/status/info thought of making people think that the said idea/writing/status/info was theirs. that they thought of it themselves, when they did not.

My close friend said "biasa la tu, orang copy orang lain punya status or get it from google and out it in their statusses", but i couldn't understand that because i do not do that! I have too much pride to claim something that is not mine to be mine. When i see some interesting quotes and would like to share it with everyone else, i let people know that it is not mine, and that i did not think of that myself.

And this is just me. Some puny unimportant people whose idea is seriously not worthy of being plagiarized pun. just imagine other brilliant peoples whose ideas senang senang je kena ciplak word by word. Imagine how THEY feel. I yang kena copy stupid statusses pun dah mengamuk tak pasal pasal, imagine their feeling when their ideas yang took them a lifetime to come up with orang lain claimed as theirs.

This is just me venting out my anger on my blog, but people, for the sake of everything that is pure, have some pride in yourselves, and stop claiming things that are not yours to be yours.

Stealing is stealing, regardless of whether what you steal is a physical thing, or ideas.

Now, are YOU a thief?

Thursday, May 27, 2010

feeling grateful

i was supposed to write about being humble, but since i feel so strongly about this issue, im writing about this instead.

It is payday today, and as a junior architect, im being paid nuts. and yet I'm still so happy about it, and it got me thinking, will i still be feeling the same way about the same amount of money when I'm earning, say, ten times the amount that i do now?

Do you remember when you were smaller, and RM 10 seemed like a LOT, and now it just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore? (my currency, wasn't in RM tapi alah.. sama je) and fair enough, the value of money changes through time, but still, the principle is the same, once you are able to have more than what you have before, you lose a little of that sense of gratefulness of the smaller amount you used to have.

Say, u get paid 2k every month and you feel like the king of the world on pay day, but fast forward to 10 years later, when you are earning about 20k per month, 2k may seem like pennies(bukan penis. ha-ha. funny.), while for some,mungkin 2k is what they need to make ends meet and to survive at all.

malah ada yang for some, it is a luxury to even be getting 1k per month(bukan spoiled brat yang the allowances RM 700 per month, who thinks that it's not enough and say "yeah 1k is a luxury" ye. think homeless people, people living in slums, beggars and so on)

and so the revelation of the day is "be grateful that u don't have a lot, because when u don't have a lot, u will be grateful of every little thing u have". because if you have a lot, chances are, you will forget how precious the smallest things are. and once you stopped feeling grateful, nothing is ever enough.

So, people, do not ever lose that sense of gratefulness of the smallest things you have, because there are probably other people looking at you thinking of how good you have got it while you are too busy being sad about all the thing you don't have.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

the age old question, what is beauty?

i was watching Oprah the other day, and the topic of the day was beauty and it touched on the subject of plastic surgery.

i don't mean to be judgmental in any way, but the length to which people would go to look beautiful is just astonishing.

people would actually go through gruesome procedures to grow an inch and a half taller(yes, you can grow taller by plastic surgery). if it were done for medical conditions, i can totally understand, but being the squeamish chicken that i am, risky operations (and i saw the operations, trust me, it was scary) is a pretty high price (bukan literally. oh well literally la jugak) to pay to just look pretty(kalau u lose ur ability to walk all together sia sia je), tapi to each their own la kan.

and by the way, at which point do you stop? when you're perfect, and you dont look like you anymore? tapi it is never perfect isnt it? because once u r not happy with yourself, there is always that one thing yang u wish to change about yourself. "my eyes could be bigger,smaller,more oval,more slanted upwards, rounder", "my waist could be smaller" "my legs could be leaner, longer, smoother," "my toenails could be more square, pinker, rounder" and it will never stop.

and this got me thinking. what are people basing their surgeries on? whose idea of "beauty" is it yang they follow? and if there is any general definition of beauty at all. or is it just mass media feeding us ideas of what THEY think as beautiful, and we follow?

and anyway, why the hell is it so shallow anyway? i do ask myself sometimes of what makes a person beautiful and you know what? i answer, people with translucent skin, doe eyes, high cheekbone, and thick flowy hair. see how shallow i am? it is people like me who causes people like them to drive themselves to feel they dont look good enough and that they need plastic surgery.

is beauty just a physical feature after all? or is it skin deep? and if it is skin deep, you know,inner beauty kind of thing, then why is it only good looking (again, what is the definition of good looking? and what makes us think that a certain feature looks good?) people yang labelled as beautiful?

is it just maths after all? you know the old theory that says, the more symmetrical your facial features are, the more beautiful you are?

is it chemistry? mungkin these people we think beautiful, release some sort of chemical to the air, and attract us to them?

do we have a general understanding of what is beautiful which everybody agree on? or does it differ according to culture, and way of life?

what is it? what is the definition of beauty?

what is your definition of beauty? tell me.

no, tell me, seriously.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


consumerism is scary. it makes you want things you don't actually need.

for instance, you have a roof over your head, decent clothing, a decent car, 3210 cell phone, line phone, PC & internet connection, a TV set, and you can afford food.

you should be happy as a clown right? you have all the basic necessity covered right?


you may have a link terrace house roof over your head, but you will want a condominium-with-a-swimming-pool-and-a-gym-which-you-dont-use-but-u-want-anyway-because-it-sounds-awesome roof on your head. succeeding to have that, you will want to have a-bungalow-with-10-rooms-and-a-swimming-pool-and-also-a-fire-place roof over your head because its awesome-er than what you have now.

you may have a decent clothing you wear, but the moment someone comes over clad in Guess or LV or Prada or Calvin Klein or tah apa lagi out there, you will want that too. and when you ask yourself why, you cant find a good enough answer.

you may have a 3210 cell phone which functions perfectly for calls and messages, but the moment that jerk ass friend waves his new i-phone/blackberry/whateverphonewithpolyphonicringtone infront of your face, why, you will want that too. when the fact is, you survived just fine with what you had.

same thing applies with everything else. you want something yang society tells you as something you really need. and in my opinion, we want all these craps because they exist in the first place. manufacturers are smart. they feed on our wants and greeds for something that looks better than something we already have. they know that we are a sucker for that kind of things, and that somehow we need to prove ourselves superior than other people. and they feed us this crap that makes us think that it makes us a better person to own something which is more expensive, more modern, more cutting edge, more more more more.. than everybody else. when everything is just plain greed.

as the Budhism teaches its followers, it is stated in the 2nd (of 4) noble of truth that the cause of suffering is infact desire or craving, and ignorance. ignorance to i wont touch la sebab its not the topic of the day.

so this is what i got from

"is the deep-seated desire that all living beings have for the pleasures of the senses, and for life itself. For instance, people always seek to enjoy good food, entertainment and pleasant company. Yet none of these can give them complete and lasting satisfaction. After the fine meal has been eaten, the beautiful music heard and the pleasant company shared, one is still not content. One would like to enjoy these pleasures again and again, and for as long as possible.

People who desire to own many things also can never be fully satisfied too. Like children in a toyshop, they crave all the attractive things they see around them. But like children, they soon become dissatisfied with what they already have and desire more. Sometimes, they can hardly eat or sleep until they get what they want. Yet when they succeed in getting what they want, they may still find their happiness short-lived. Many will be too worried for the safety and condition of their new possessions to enjoy it. Then when the object they possess eventually breaks into pieces and has to be thrown away, they will suffer its loss even more.

When we have obtained something we desire, we may want more and more of it, and so greed arises. Because of desire and greed, people will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want. Uncontrolled desires can also lead to addiction, for example, to smoking, drinking and overeating, all of which lead to suffering and cause mental and physical harm.

If another person prevents one from getting what is desired, one may feel anger towards that person. Desire, when obstructed, can lead to ill will and anger. This in turn can lead to harsh words, violent quarrels and even fights or killings. All this is suffering."

Consumerism is just that. it is something that feeds our wants and greeds.

Don't even get me started on the impacts it brings. It clearly highlights class differences and widen socioeconomic gaps since the use of the consumer goods is a display of class status(more suffering). Sadly, this had been going on since ancient times. just look at the lavish tombs of the Egyptian pharaohs and how it contrasts with the tombs of the kuli kuli and slaves.

now lets ask ourselves, do we really want to have a part in that?



Yes Kai, i've put you on the map.

Monday, May 17, 2010

According to me.

According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
Can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny,irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
You can't take me any place

According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with it
According to you
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,incredible
He can't get me out of his head

I need to feel appreciated
like I'm not hated
Oh, no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

According to me
you're stupid
you're useless
you can't do anything right

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head

i was listening to the radio and this song keluar. i went wtf. thats so me membebel kat adem(adem being the singer and me being the "you"). hahahahhaha.

sayang, i know ive said some pretty nasty things to you, and sometime (more often than not) meant it, tapi i loooooveeee you despite all that.

tapi you're just like Bob with more insensitive remarks and less clue.

and yeah according to me, you're still an insensitive ass. tapi i love you sangat. :D theeeheee.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Kyreel Khalid

I wanted to copy paste this to your Facebook wall, but couldn't find your name. I keep on getting hits form Melbourne so I'm assuming that is you (I have told you numerous times to stop reading my blog because it contains only crap. However, since you keep on checking it out, here's a post for you)

You are a Grammar Nazi.

According to,

1.Grammar Nazi
Someone who believes it's their duty to attempt to correct any grammar and/or spelling mistakes they observe. Usually found hanging around Irc chatrooms hounding "n00bs".

2.Grammar Nazi
noun (pl. -s)
1. A person who uses proper grammar at all times, esp. online in emails, chatrooms, instant messages and webboard posts; a proponent of grammatical correctness. Often one who spells correctly as well.

2. a – A person who believes proper grammar (and spelling) should be used by everyone whenever possible. b – One who attempts to persuade or force others to use proper grammar and spelling. c – One who uses proper grammar and spelling to subtly mock or deride those who do not; an exhibitor of grammatical superiority. d – One who advocates linguistic clarity; an opponent of 1337-speak. e – One who corrects others' grammar; the spelling police.

proper noun
3. A nickname, pseudonym or handle for a well-known grammar nazi (defs. 1 and 2) within a particular social circle, used to show either great respect or great contempt for his or her abilities.

verb (transitive)
4. To correct the grammar of (a person's speech, a piece of writing, etc.); to edit for grammar and spelling; to proofread.
1. A grammar nazi knows the difference between "there," "their" and "they're."

2. Teh grammar nazis haev invadd r formu.

3. Grammar Nazi, help me with my English homework please.

4. He totally grammar nazied my article, replacing pronouns and rewriting clauses.

3. Grammar Nazi
To the previous poster. It is spelled grammar, not grammer.<< LOL!!!!
I know, I'm a grammar nazi
nazi communist facist spelling whore marc

4. Grammar Nazi
A captious individual who cannot resist the urge to correct a spelling and/or grammar mistake even in informal settings. After pointing out the linguistic shortcomings in others, a Grammar Nazi feels a strange sense of twisted and unconstructive intelligentsia delight.

In reality, they are making someone else feel bad for no reason and unintentionally implying that their "superior" grammar skills are all they have to show for a wasted liberal arts education.

While proper grammar usage is all well and good, a Grammar Nazi cavils even insignificant errors in English to somehow win an argument. Of course, rather than being genuinely persuasive in an argument, pointing out English errors is a weak attack only on the typist's credibility and never has any bearing on the underlying premises and assertions therein.

In other words, this is simply a disguised ad hominem argument which intelligent and logical people disregard.

Still, one should strive to spell and use words properly, but arrogant and unsolicited advice is not a very persuasive way to teach English.

Average High Schooler: So U R their in Britin, than?

Insecure English PhD (aka Grammar Nazi): I am in England studying here at Oxford, sir, and I prefer you talk to me only in Ye Olde Englishe like a good chap because language can never evolve.

Some High Schooler: LOL!!!!11 Hve fun nvr getting laid!1111!!!!

5.grammar nazi

A person who criticizes someone else's grammar, spelling, and/or punctuation, usually in an online setting. While they are often seen as uptight assholes who really need to get a life, it should be noted that they point out simple flaws that often show a lack of intelligence on the part of the person being criticized.
That grammar nazi's an ass, but he is right that you're stupid.

6.Grammar Nazi
A real grammer Nazi will understand this joke. :]
Person 1: I'm a grammer Nazi!

Person 2: No, you are not a grammar Nazi.

7.Grammar Nazi
A literate on a bad day. Usually found when said literate is in an irritable mood, or has dealt with too much illiteracy in a given time period.

When a literate is in Grammar Nazi mode, they are usually found correcting all sorts of typos & grammar and/or punctuation errors.
She was being a Grammar Nazi, correcting each & everyone one of his mistakes.


"The standard response of the functionally illiterate when taken to task for their sins against the mother tongue is to label the offending party a Grammar Nazi. "Heil Grammatik" is a common saying for Grammar Nazi's. Everyone hates Grammar Nazis because they are the ultimate lulz killers."

You are a Grammar Nazi,
and so am I.

Your name is spelled "Khairil" not "Kyreel". Noob.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


a cycle will never stop.
it goes round and round and round.
and the only way to stop it is to break the cycle all together.

i feel strangely relieved.

Monday, May 10, 2010

wedding dress

its a slow day to day at the office. oleh itu my mind is allowed to wander kesana sini.

yesterday, i went to my office mate's wedding at Selayang. (congratulations to the newly weds Isa and Aida!). and being an overthinker that i am, the wedding triggered lets-plan-my-wedding gland which releases some hormone which leads my brain to well, plan.

i want a small intimate wedding. one is because well, i wanna get married cepat, so the funding yang dikumpulkan to get married cepat will not suffice for the kind of wedding i have in mind. (think good food[no bukan nasi minyak and ayam merah and sirap whatever.] nak kata aku snobbish? fine katalah), twinkling fairy lights, lots of white roses(jasmine smells lovely, tapi mum kata mcm creepy. so ok. roses sudah) all over the place sampai kalau the guests baik pun they still smell like roses, good goodie bags for the guests. and abanyak lagi. im a very particular person (read: control freak). and a small wedding will allow me to focus on the smallest details. as they say the god is in the details. and reason number 2 is kalau i invite immediate family and close friends, i know the ceremony akan jadi sangat full of love. like "awwwwhh, everybody here loves meee. *bergenang air mata*" kind of atmosphere. that is what i want in my wedding. so say 200-250 people max.

oh me and future husband akan share one ceremony so takde belah laki belah perempuan thing. we're family. there should only be one belah.

so semalam i checked out several possible venues for wedding. hotel ballroom is out of the question. rumah juga out. halls juga out. i want an outdoor wedding. oleh itu haruslah buat malam. kalau tak, nanti i meragam sbb panas. so kalau malam ada tinkling fairy lights, trickling sound of water, lanterns, candles etc. sangat romantic. something like this

and banyak lagi. malas nak cari gambar. yang penting key point adalah:

-dim lights. glittering fairy lights and lanterns. and candles.
-scent of roses
-water feature(jangan hujan sudah)
-slow music. i think i prefer sundanese seruling.
-sit down 4(atau 3 depending on the money we're willing to blow) course dinner. tak payah gerak sana sini. sbb i sgt dont like buffets. kena beratur. hahaha.

ok next. wedding ring. i like rings with flat surface. mungkin something like this will do

tapi mine mcm banyak sangat bling je. ok. so something like that with a toned down bling. (adam is a lucky guy or what?)

pastu the guy's wedding attire. i takmo tux or coats or baju melayu. semak.

high collared like seen above. in white. and slacks. and shiny shoes. :D

my wedding dress is agak tricky. sbb i sgt particular, so tak jumpa anything like it dalam the web. i want to have flowy chiffon empire waist dress yang dia punya train meleret tak hengat. with flowy sleevs.

something Victorian-cut like the above would be nice. tapi made of materials as seen below.

pastu this is how i would wanna look like on my wedding day.

fresh faced, rosy cheeked bride.

TAPI sebab my eyes tak blue and my bone structer tak sharp, and my skin complexion is just horrid, id prolly cover up all my flaws guna make up and look like this.(u know, minus the high cheek bone, sharp eyes, and all-in-all kelawaan)

all smokey eyed, false shading and fake lashes. hahahah.

but this is like still soo far in the future.

for now im stuck in the fluorescent lit office. letting my mind wander.

exposed brick wall II

agak agak this is how my room is gonna look like

yang dalam the last picture, the protruded out space at the top looks like a walk in closet. but its NOT. its actually bathroom, malas nak letak material berbeza masa buat drawing. hahahahahaha. and no, dalam toilet bukan timber strip flooring. i mandi bersepah. habis termites attack nanti.

however the brick shouldnt be brown in color i think. too overwhelming. perhaps sandy or white in colour. hmm.

p.s: do NOT judge my designing ability according to the uploaded presentation. i know its crap. hahahaha. alaaa nak forward to consultant je pun. agak2 diorg faham sudah. kalau nak render segala bagai baik hire me terus.(ok. sebenarnya im a pemalas. banyak je alasan.)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

bare brick wall.

attaching JPEG file of my room layout design(im designing my own room. i wont even pretend that i dont think its cool. *super wide annoying grin*) to mum as im typing this.


timber strips floor finishes and barebrick wall. ahhh. cant wait to see how it turns out like. im super excited.


i went to the site (heehee, i just called my house yang tengah di construct "site") and the plastering is amazing. so smooth i almost felt like licking it.(i know im weird. the other day, soon after i hang up on my bf after yet another whining and bawling session with him, i look at my BB and felt like licking it because it was so tear drenched that i wonder whether my phone had turned salty. gross kan? haha.)

now im tempted to leave it as is. it almost look like bare concrete wall. timber strip and concrete wall finishes. super minimalism.


oh boy, oh boy, would you look at that. dont u just want that in your bedroom with some pop art pieces hanging on it? dont u? dont uuuu?? or maybe black and white photos of buildings hanging asymmetrically.

and then look at this one.

it feels very loft-y.and cosy. like when it is raining outside in the morning and you are all warm and snuggled up under your comforter, listening to the sound of rain, and breathing in the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

oh man. this is going to be tough.

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